The difference between fantasy and ideas for scenes

Reposted with permission DearInHeadlights - Journal Entry on Jul 30

The difference between fantasy and ideas for scenes

Much of our kink stems from fantasy: it’s what riles us up, inspires us, and motivates us to seek out new experiences. But there are many steps between fantasy and developing a viable idea for a scene or for play, and blurring the distinctions between the two can be A Really Bad Time.

The difference

A fantasy is an extended, projected desire. It’s a showreel in your mind of what you envisage happening — it sometimes has a plot, it might have rich colours and details, or a certain feeling it always evokes. There’s also no lead up, awkward silences, human error or logistics. It just is.



“I am on display in front of a room full of strangers, bound and gagged, as he thrusts deep inside my ass with his rock hard cock. He uses me roughly as his toy, and I scream from the pleasure. He fills me with his cum and lets it drip onto the floor. He makes me lick it up in front of everyone, and I blush with shame. Cut to my ass being torn to shreds with a whip while I am forcibly brought to orgasm by a wand strapped to my thigh. In the end, I am spent and covered in sweat and cum, shaking.”

A scene idea or a plan play is a concept for something you might actually do with another person, and how that might come together. For many reasons, it is usually far less detailed.

”I’d like to do a public exposure/degradation scene where you use me sexually in front of everyone while I’m bound and gagged. Maybe impact and forced orgasms? Let’s talk about what you’d like out of that.”

Here are some reasons the distinction is important.

1. Your fantasy will be a let down

If you go into a scene having passed on a fantasy rather than an idea, you might get lucky and have a magical experience where the other person/people involved play out exactly what you wanted. In this case, you may feel slightly cheated, wondering if they were just ‘playing a part’ for your benefit.

More likely, the differences in human interpretation and the limitations and physics of our universe are going to get in the way, both before and after execution.

“What do you mean, I can’t be gagged and bound in a position to be fucked, and also lick cum off the floor? Right. Okay. So. I’ll be untied and take the gag out first. What do you mean, while I’m getting untied from the complicated suspension I imagined myself in, he’ll lose his boner? There is no cum? This wasn’t part of the fantasy.”

“We need to talk about how you didn’t give me any direct clitoral stimulation. How was I supposed to get off? When I said I wanted you to “use me roughly as your toy”, I meant in the specific ways that also feel good to me. The specific ways I imagined but didn’t or couldn’t articulate. You know, from my fantasy...”

“In my mind, the whipping in combination with forced orgasms was really sexy, but by that point I actually really needed to pee and had lost sensation in my clit about twenty minutes prior, and you didn’t notice because you were busy trying to remember your lines. Was it “whore” or “slut” you were supposed to call me during this part?”

2. They can be boring and stressful for the other person

It’s common for women on Fet to be sent unsolicited messages where a random dude has taken the time to tell them their fantasies in painstaking detail and with terrible grammar. We ridicule this, because it’s so incredibly unsexy. It can be the opposite when it’s someone you know and whose fantasies you’re seeking: they can be hot inspiration and wank fodder.



But often, knowing exactly how you want every detail to play out can take the fun out of a scene for a partner. It’s kind of already happened, in your mind. It can also be an immense pressure to place on someone to help you enact, to the letter, your deepest desire. This can feel like a test a partner needs to study for and pass in order to please you, rather than a fun, sexy interaction.

3. You’ll stifle creativity and connection

A fantasy is self-determined, and leaves little space for another person to really get involved beyond doing exactly as they’re asked. While sharing fantasies can be a great way to inspire and plan scenes, it’s not the plan and it’s certainly not the negotiation.

Most of the time, we don’t even really want the fantasy to play out as it does in our head. Real humans moving in real time cannot be replicated with any accuracy. That’s what makes it so special. We want that special connection that we can feel in our fantasies, but to really get it, we need to let go of expectations and a sense of control.

You may never “fulfil” your specific fantasy, but by starting with an idea and negotiating from there, you’ll have experiences that evoke the emotions you were seeking in often more fulfilling ways.

4. Why ruin perfectly good fap material?

Keep the detailed fantasy for when you need a good wank — if you never try to recreate it exactly, it will be preserved and free to evolve as a boundless narrative in your mind. You’ll also then have a somewhat different memory to replay as more wank fodder.

Winner Best BDSM community mobile app

Winner Best BDSM community mobile app

We Won “Best New Product”

Experience why we WON “Best New Product” at the 2018 Australian Adult Industry Awards - Empower your play by downloading now!

Making Scene Negotiation Effortless

A Guide to Using Our Scene Negotiation Tool

NoGrey was built to function as a 'Pre-Scene Negotiation Tool'. Our intent was to support users in focusing on the really important discussions required for safer play, whilst saving time and making the process a lot easier.

It is important to note that use of NoGrey is not intended to replace discussions prior to a scene. You should always talk to your partner(s) thoroughly before engaging with them. NoGrey simply hones the effectiveness and efficiency of these discussions.

HINT: NoGrey can be especially useful for those who may be a little shy about expressing their desires

Building a scene

Let’s assume you’ve set a time and place, added in a location (or chosen not to) and already selected your desired partner.

Negotiate BDSM play with NoGrey App

Negotiate BDSM play with NoGrey App

HINT: You do not need to have a partner on the app, you can issue a scene invite to anyone by sending them a link via any platform or medium.

1. Select your activities
Combine any of the 600+ interests available to you to begin outlining your perfect scene.

You are even able to specify if you are interested in only giving or receiving specific activities.

Negotiate BDSM play with ease

Negotiate BDSM play with ease

2. Communicate your desire visually
Both partners are able to quickly toggle sliders to clearly show:

  • How interested you are in a particular activity 

  • How experienced you are in that activity

  • What level of participation you are willing to explore

The selection is then displayed so that you can easily identify areas where your desires align and where you may need to hold a greater level of discussion.

Communicate your kinky fantasy easily.

Communicate your kinky fantasy easily.

3. Provide a guide on how the scene should ‘feel’
Again, sliders allow you to rapidly express the experience you are looking for.

Is the tone to be 'Sensual' or 'Distant'?

Do you wish to feel 'Cherished' or 'Degraded"?

This is where the true magic of NoGrey begins to shine. understanding the ‘tone’ of the scene your partner wishes to explore is critical to providing a great experience.

It is that easy. 1. 2. 3

For good measure, you may also outline your personal limits, and you are even able to add aftercare notes specific to your own needs.

How does the negotiation logic work

We’ve taken steps to ensure the tool isn’t misused.

To 'confirm' on a scene, both users need to agree on the same level of participation.

The person you are negotiating with has the ability to lower the scene's participation level. However, users are not able to increase the participation level above the highest level set by the other party. This is an intentional safeguard against users feeling 'pushed' into a level of participation greater than what they have indicated they are comfortable with. Kink is not about coercion.

Hard limits in kinky play

Hard limits in kinky play

Both users in the scene may have differing levels of interest and experience, these do not need to match to be able to progress.

Similarly, the scene ‘feelings’ can be reduced in scope. Here as well, users are prevented from extending the range into an area that wasn't initially indicated as acceptable.

Any limits that are added must be acknowledged and users can remove an interest all together before agreeing on a scene.


We Won “Best New Product”

Experience why we WON “Best New Product” at the 2018 Australian Adult Industry Awards - Empower your play by downloading now!

Best new kink mobile app for BDSM

Best new kink mobile app for BDSM

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